Arkansas, depression, health, Life, marriage, Mental Health

Struggling

I’m going to be super honest and vulnerable for a minute here. Which is so unlike me. But I’ve been struggling pretty bad lately. And I’m hiding it. I’ve learned how to do that pretty well.

I have been suffering from some severe depression lately. I get so caught up in my thoughts and feelings. It’s almost debilitating.

You see, I did something horrible to my husband. I’m not going to go into detail, but I haven’t been the best wife. My lack of communication of how I feel made things worse. We both made major faults in our marriage. But mine were worse. And it almost ended. It’s true what they say, you don’t realize what you have till you’re about to lose it. You think you want something and then when it starts to happen, you realize you made a mistake. I almost lost my marriage and my family. And I hurt my husband whom I love so much.

In this process, I also lost my best friend of 23 years. She thinks I’m a horrible person. And I guess I am. But all I can do is learn from my mistakes and apologize. Which I have and am. But I do miss her. She understood me better than anyone.

But lately my depression has been really bad. There are times when I think that everyone would be better off if I was just gone. That I’m such a horrible person that I don’t deserve to have anything or anyone. I haven’t brought any kind of happiness to anyone. Just hurt. And before y’all freak out, no I’m not going to hurt myself.

I was seeing a counselor for awhile. I’m not sure how much that helped. I was diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. However I don’t go anymore as I don’t have insurance since I quit my job to open my own business. But on days I saw her, I felt worse. I guess you are supposed to work through everything and then you’ll feel better. I hadn’t got to that point yet. I am seen at the VA now and they want me to see mental health to work through the PTSD. I don’t know. Maybe one day.

I don’t know the point of this post. I guess I’m just talking. But from here on out, I’m going to be better. A better person, a better wife, a better mom, and a better friend.

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