Arkansas, depression, health, Life, marriage, Mental Health

Struggling

I’m going to be super honest and vulnerable for a minute here. Which is so unlike me. But I’ve been struggling pretty bad lately. And I’m hiding it. I’ve learned how to do that pretty well.

I have been suffering from some severe depression lately. I get so caught up in my thoughts and feelings. It’s almost debilitating.

You see, I did something horrible to my husband. I’m not going to go into detail, but I haven’t been the best wife. My lack of communication of how I feel made things worse. We both made major faults in our marriage. But mine were worse. And it almost ended. It’s true what they say, you don’t realize what you have till you’re about to lose it. You think you want something and then when it starts to happen, you realize you made a mistake. I almost lost my marriage and my family. And I hurt my husband whom I love so much.

In this process, I also lost my best friend of 23 years. She thinks I’m a horrible person. And I guess I am. But all I can do is learn from my mistakes and apologize. Which I have and am. But I do miss her. She understood me better than anyone.

But lately my depression has been really bad. There are times when I think that everyone would be better off if I was just gone. That I’m such a horrible person that I don’t deserve to have anything or anyone. I haven’t brought any kind of happiness to anyone. Just hurt. And before y’all freak out, no I’m not going to hurt myself.

I was seeing a counselor for awhile. I’m not sure how much that helped. I was diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. However I don’t go anymore as I don’t have insurance since I quit my job to open my own business. But on days I saw her, I felt worse. I guess you are supposed to work through everything and then you’ll feel better. I hadn’t got to that point yet. I am seen at the VA now and they want me to see mental health to work through the PTSD. I don’t know. Maybe one day.

I don’t know the point of this post. I guess I’m just talking. But from here on out, I’m going to be better. A better person, a better wife, a better mom, and a better friend.

Arkansas, family

Mid-Life What???

I was talking over text with a friend, and I mentioned how I’ll be 40 next year. After we finished chatting I sat and thought about that. How is this possible? 40.

I literally feel like I just graduated High School. But that was 20 years ago. I don’t feel 40.

Then I was reading over notes from my doctor following a procedure I had done in October. He states in it, that per some tests I am entering menopause. This has me shook.

I remember when my husband and I started dating, it felt so good knowing that he was in his 30’s and I was in my 20’s. I was the cute young girlfriend. Now he’s about to be 50 and me 40. I’m no longer that cute super young girlfriend. Now I’m an old mom.

I know that age is just a number. And you are only as old as you feel. But still, hearing all of this is crazy. No wonder people have mid-life crisis.

Me and the husband when we first started dating. He was 32. I had just turned 22.

This is us now. He’s 49, I’m 39 with our two daughters who are 10 and 5.

Arkansas, Coffee, family, health, kids, Life, School

15 Minutes

My favorite time of the morning. The 15 minutes before my kids wake up. I can sit with my cup of coffee and just be in the quiet of my home. The quiet before the storm.

Once 6am comes, the storm starts. That’s when I am trying to get my kids out of bed and ready for school. So we can leave the house by 6:40am to catch the school bus.

In this 15 minutes, I will sip on my coffee and rock in my rocking chair. I will enjoy the peace and quiet because it’s the only time I get to myself.

What do you do with your 15 minutes?

Arkansas, food, health, Recipes

Cajun Shrimp Pastalaya

I fixed this dish the other night for my family and they loved it. It’s another recipe I for from tablespoon.com. Check out this awesome site for some amazing recipes.

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil

1/2 lb Andouille sausage, sliced

1/2 white onion, diced

1/2 cup diced celery

1 can (14.5 oz) Muir Glen™ Organic Diced Tomatoes

1 lb penne pasta

1 tablespoon Cajun seasoning

3 cups chicken stock

1 lb large shrimp, peeled and deveined

Salt and pepper

Fresh parsley, for garnish

Steps

1 Add 1 tablespoon of olive oil to a large Dutch oven over medium heat. Add sliced sausage, white onion and celery to pan and cook 3 to 4 minutes until veggies soften.

2. Meanwhile, peel and devein the shrimp. Tip: use a small paring knife or kitchen shears to cut down the back of the shrimp and wash out the vein. Leave tails on and set aside.

3. Add tomatoes, penne pasta, Cajun seasoning and chicken stock to the Dutch oven. Bring mixture to a simmer and reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer for 6 minutes.

4. Stir well, then replace lid and cook for another 4 minutes. At this point, the pasta will be mostly cooked and most of the liquid absorbed.

5. Add the peeled and deveined shrimp to the pan and stir to combine. Cover and cook 3 minutes more.

6. Remove lid and give everything a good stir. Taste the pastalaya and season with salt and pepper to your liking. Garnish with fresh parsley.

food, Recipes

Lemon Herb Chicken Sheet Pan

I made this the other night and it was so good. I got the recipe from Tablespoon.com.

Ingredients

4 tablespoons butter, melted

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

1 lb small new potatoes, quartered

20 oz boneless skinless chicken thighs (5 to 6 thighs)

1 bunch fresh asparagus spears, trimmed and cut in 2-inch pieces (about 1 lb)

1 tablespoon honey

1 lemon, thinly sliced

2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil leaves

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves

Steps

1 Heat oven to 425°F. Spray 18×13-inch rimmed sheet pan with cooking spray.

2 In large bowl, mix 2 tablespoons of the butter, 1/2 teaspoon of the salt and 1/4 teaspoon of the pepper. Add potatoes; toss to coat. Place potatoes skin sides down in single layer on pan. Roast 23 to 25 minutes or until tender when pierced with a knife. Remove from oven; stir.

3 In same large bowl, mix remaining 2 tablespoons butter, remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt and remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Add chicken and asparagus to mixture, and toss to coat; arrange in single layer in pan next to potatoes. Brush chicken with honey. Roast 17 to 20 minutes longer or until juice of chicken is clear when center of thickest part is cut (at least 165°F) and potatoes are browned and fork-tender. Squeeze 2 of the lemon slices over all.

4 Top with basil and parsley; serve with remaining lemon slices.

Here is the link if you want to check it out.

https://www.tablespoon.com/recipes/lemon-herb-chicken-sheet-pan-supper/ad1a0436-a7ec-418b-b9bb-57af5c7de7f6

Arkansas, DadLife, daughters, family, Friends, Friendship, kids, MomLife, School

School Starting Soon

School starts next week. Where has the time gone? I can’t believe summer vacation is over. And now my youngest is starting school. She is going to Kindergarten. While I’m happy and excited for her new journey, I’m also saddened by the fact that I really have no more babies.

My youngest said, “mom, what if no one likes me?” I reassured her that won’t happen because she is the sweetest little girl ever and everyone will love her. She then said she doesn’t want to go to school because daddy will be home alone and miss her too much. I reassured her that daddy will be fine. He has lots of work to keep him busy till it’s time to pick her and her sister up at the bus stop.

I know she’s scared. She’s been home with daddy for so long and now she has to leave him for 8 plus hours a day. But I know she will be fine. She’s going to love school.

Arkansas, Clothes, Fashion, kids, Life, Missouri, parenting

H&M

My oldest has been bugging me for a few weeks now to take her to H&M. I get a kick out of that because that has been one of my favorite stores for some time now. She keeps getting on her dad’s phone and sending me pictures of outfits from there that she likes.

So today, we all piled in the car and drove to Joplin, Missouri to go to H&M. She was so excited. We let her and her sister pick out two outfits and a pair of shoes. As long as they promised to not wear them right now because they are for the first day of school.

I’ll post a new post tomorrow with pics of what they got. It’s so awesome seeing them pick out their own outfits and getting a sense of their own style.