Arkansas, depression, health, Life, marriage, Mental Health

Struggling

I’m going to be super honest and vulnerable for a minute here. Which is so unlike me. But I’ve been struggling pretty bad lately. And I’m hiding it. I’ve learned how to do that pretty well.

I have been suffering from some severe depression lately. I get so caught up in my thoughts and feelings. It’s almost debilitating.

You see, I did something horrible to my husband. I’m not going to go into detail, but I haven’t been the best wife. My lack of communication of how I feel made things worse. We both made major faults in our marriage. But mine were worse. And it almost ended. It’s true what they say, you don’t realize what you have till you’re about to lose it. You think you want something and then when it starts to happen, you realize you made a mistake. I almost lost my marriage and my family. And I hurt my husband whom I love so much.

In this process, I also lost my best friend of 23 years. She thinks I’m a horrible person. And I guess I am. But all I can do is learn from my mistakes and apologize. Which I have and am. But I do miss her. She understood me better than anyone.

But lately my depression has been really bad. There are times when I think that everyone would be better off if I was just gone. That I’m such a horrible person that I don’t deserve to have anything or anyone. I haven’t brought any kind of happiness to anyone. Just hurt. And before y’all freak out, no I’m not going to hurt myself.

I was seeing a counselor for awhile. I’m not sure how much that helped. I was diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD. However I don’t go anymore as I don’t have insurance since I quit my job to open my own business. But on days I saw her, I felt worse. I guess you are supposed to work through everything and then you’ll feel better. I hadn’t got to that point yet. I am seen at the VA now and they want me to see mental health to work through the PTSD. I don’t know. Maybe one day.

I don’t know the point of this post. I guess I’m just talking. But from here on out, I’m going to be better. A better person, a better wife, a better mom, and a better friend.

ADHD, Arkansas, health, Helpful, Life, Mental Health

Counseling

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve started counseling. I’ve had some things happen to me in my past that I never worked through. I just pushed them away and carried on. And that wasn’t the best thing for me to do.

My friend Janeth, pronounced Janet, had been on me to start seeing a counselor. So finally I caved and did. Here’s how that first day went. “So what made you decide to see a counselor?” She said. My response, “My friend Janeth wouldn’t get off my back about it, so here I am.”

I will admit, it’s actually been quiet helpful. I have a lot of anxiety, fear, and a million other issues. And one thing I found out that doesn’t surprise me at all, and if you know me you won’t be shocked by this either. I have ADHD. Dun, Dun, Dun…. shocked? Yeah not so much. I’ve known for years upon years that I had that. It has gotten worse with age.

Here are some symptoms of inattention:

-Careless mistakes/lack of attention ✔️

-Lack of sustained attention ✔️

-Poor Listening ✔️

-lose focus/easy sidetracked ✔️

–Poor organization ✔️

-Losing things ✔️

-Mind wanders a lot ✔️

-Forgetful in daily activities ✔️

Here are some symptoms of hyperactivity

-Fidgeting ✔️

–Can’t stay seated ✔️

-Feeling Restless

-Difficulty with quiet activity ✔️

-On the go, uncomfortable sitting still ✔️

-Talking excessively ✔️

-Interrupting others ✔️

Yes, I do all of those things. Literally I feel like this meme was made especially for me.

Now I’m choosing to not medicate. I have my own thoughts and feeling about psychiatric medication. How ever I do use CBD oil which helps me a lot. I feel like CBD is the best option for me.

So, do you or anyone you know have ADHD? How do their great it? Let me know in the comments below.

adventure, Arkansas, Automotive, family, Life, marriage

A new car

Over 3 years ago, we were in California about to move to Northwest Arkansas. But I needed a bigger car to drive cross country in. So even though I swore up and down that I would never drive a minivan, I made the decision to purchase a minivan. I actually was excited because of all the space. We had gone from a small Mazda 3 to a Chrysler Town & Country.

This is a picture similar to our van but ours was gold.

But it wasn’t a good decision after all. The day we packed up to leave California, the van broke down. I got in and ready to drive off from our apartment, when I shifted, I heard a screw fall and then the shifter wouldn’t go into park. Since I couldn’t put it into park, I couldn’t turn it off. We stopped in Stockton to get it fixed only to find out it would take 3 day. WHAT???

Luckily, my husbands 96 year old Grandma lived in Stockton. She let us stay with her. So in a way it was a blessing in disguise. Our kids got to spend 3 whole days with their great grandma. So I’m very thankful for that. I was not thankful for the $800 plus I had to shell out on the van.

Finally after 3 days, we hit the road. It took us 3 days to drive the 1800 miles plus. My husband drove the U-Haul, I drove the van with the girls. I had never driven that long distance before. It was fun. Well….kind of.

At one point, we made it to Oklahoma. While we were driving, we saw a storm off in the distance. Slowly I realized, we were driving straight for that storm. And once we finally made it into the eye of the storm, I realized just how different storms there were from ones we had in California. I was not prepared. I had never driven in rain and lightening so bad in my life. It scared the crap out of me. You have to remember, we came from Northern California that rarely saw any kind of storm.

We made it through and finally made our way into Arkansas. I was so excited. It was so green and beautiful. And the Ozarks just blew my mind. We made it and unpacked into our rental house.

After that, all kind of things went wrong with the van. I lost a tire, it blew. A few weeks later my radiator blew. And a bunch of other things. Over the next three years, it was something every year. The radiator blew twice in less than 2 years. Then the shifter broke again a few months back. I’m pretty sure I put more money into that van than it was worth.

So I had enough. The other day I made the decision that we were upgrading to a brand new car. And this next car will be the one we drive for the next 10 years.

so last night, we traded in our van and bought a brand new 2019 Kia Sorento.

Its a beautiful car. It’s all decked out and even had third row seating. I love it.

Now I will no longer carry the stress of this van around. I was always worried daily about it breaking down. I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Now I have piece of mind. I can’t tell you how wonderful that feels.

divorce, family, Life, love, marriage, Seperation

Falling back in love

Do you think it’s possible after having a tumultuous relationship, that you can fall back in love with your spouse?

My answer, absolutely. And how do I know this? Because it’s happening to me. My husband and I separated in February and were on the verge of divorce. I’m not going to get into the full details of it yet. But it got to the point in our relationship where I didn’t feel any love at all. And he felt the same way. We were like two roommates raising two kids together. There was no I love you, no hugs, no kisses, no romance, nothing. It got to the point where I didn’t think he loved me anymore. I didn’t even think he liked me anymore. And we had become so resentful of one another.

Once I told him I wanted to divorce, things begin to change. It was as if the lights went off for him. He slowly started to become the man I had longed for in the 17 years that we’ve been together. But I’ll admit that for the first two months of our separation, the light didn’t go off for me. Because I didn’t want it to. I was still holding onto so much anger and hurt that I just wanted it to be over. I was telling myself that I wasn’t in love with him anymore and that we just needed to go our separate ways.

Then one day at the end of April after having a wonderful Mother’s Day and actually having fun with him and our children together, I slowly begin to see him in another light. He had told me that our separation had opened his eyes. He had been purposely hurting me because he had been hurt. It was a never ending circle. But by almost losing everything, it makes you realize what you have.

I slowly began to let my feelings for him resurface again. And bit by bit I slowly began to fall in love with him again. So now here we are in July and I can absolutely say that I am in love with my husband again. Our relationship is completely different than it ever has been in our 17 years together. And I can honestly say that I am happier than I ever have been. And now when people ask him how he and I are doing, I hear him tell them that we are doing wonderfully and that our relationship is better than ever. We hug and kiss everyday. We laugh together and hold hands. And we never leave each other without saying I love you.

So yes, it is possible to fall in love with your husband or wife all over again. Because I’m speaking from experience.

DadLife, MomLife, parenting

Break Down

So I had a break down Saturday morning. I had planned a nice day for my family before the storms rolled in. We were gonna go for a nice drive to Hobbs State Park and stop at the visitors center which has a little area to look at animals and learn about nature. Then go for a nice hike.

But then my oldest had to start in. She’s 9 going on 19. So her and I don’t always see eye to eye. She has a knack for not listening and talking back. And well…she pushed me to my limit Saturday.

I went in my room, locked the door and cried. And I mean cried. Like that real hard ugly face cry where you have tears streaming down your face and your nose is running all over the place. It was not a pretty site. I definitely didn’t want my husband seeing me like that.

But in the end, she and I talked and I explained things to her. I’m her parent. And what I say goes. And the same with her dad.

Sometimes in motherhood, you just need to step away and cry it out. Don’t be ashamed of that. Being a parent is hard. It doesn’t mean you love your kids any less. You just need a moment for yourself.

DadLife, MomLife, parenting

Im not a perfect mom

I was talking to my coworkers today about being a mom. We were discussing how it’s hard to be on social media sometimes when our friends are posting about how amazing they are at motherhood. And we see how they’re posting things that make it seem like they’re the perfect mom. They do everything perfectly for their children, whether it’s at crafts, cooking, taking care of their home, being the perfect PTA mother, anything. And it’s hard for us to read that because it makes us start to doubt ourselves as a mom. I’m not good at crafting, I’m not on the PTA, I’m not the best cook, my husband actually cooks better than I do. And I sometimes have to yell at my children. So does that make me a bad mom? Absolutely not.

Everyone is different, there is no perfect mom out there. Everyone makes mistakes. And all you can do is raise your children to the best of your ability and love on them as much as possible. We were talking about how sometimes we forget that not everything has to be perfect. The house doesn’t always need to be spotless, dinner doesn’t have to be ready at the exact same time every single day. Sometimes all we need to do is hug our children, tell them we love them, and send them outside to play. And we sometimes forget that cleaning the house can wait a little bit. Dinner can be late sometimes. Motherhood isn’t about perfection, it’s about loving on your children.

As I have said in a previous blog post, I am not the most patient person. And in becoming a mom I found out that my husband is more patient than I am. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses and all we can do is work on them.

I know that when I get home from work, if the house isn’t clean it upsets me. Because I just can’t stand to see toys all over the house. And sometimes it upsets me that my children can’t put away the things that they were just playing with. But in my mind I have to remember that they are children and sometimes I need to just let them be children. There comes a time when they do need to learn responsibility but it’s not something that I have to harp on them 24/7. So when my coworkers and I were discussing this, we all came to the conclusion that sometimes when we are feeling frustrated or angry we just need to hug our kids, tell them we love them, and tell them to go play outside.